Hey, I just quarreled with him again...and I din realise it will hurt this bad. I duno how to tell anyone about this, so I just have to blog about it by myself here. And if he does see it, he will think I am just writing this to gain his sympathy..which I am not.
I am just very upset. He thinks I deliberately set out to hurt him, which I did not. Any olive branch I held out, he thinks it's a weapon. Why does he think of me in this light? And he keeps saying I am stupid. He says he doesnt think I am, but deep down he does. If not why does he keep saying I am.
Things I say are bullshit, he doesnt hesistate to just walk away or ask me to hang up. I cant help but wonder, does he say these things to Yiyun as well? Does he treat her ever like that? He only writes nice things about her. But why does he thinks all these nasty things about me when I do love him so much.
When I mention the 3 years we have been together and how much I care for him, he thinks I am using it as a weapon. He doesnt understand. Deep down he must think she is such a nice girl and I am not. He doesnt know how much I want his admiration, his approval. He only sees the independent strong side of me. But he doesnt realise how much affection I need from him.
Maybe I am just a stepping stone for him. Will he ever hold me back like he held her back? Will he ever cook for me the way he did for her? Will he ever think about giving anything up the way he thinks about how he should have given things up for her?
He told me never to leave him because he will never survive if that happens...is that real? Really? If he reads this, he wil get very angry I am sure, because it will be a case of me not trusting him, diluting his love for me all these while. Yes I know he loves me, he has cared for me, showered me with love but then when it comes to the crux, I dont really know.
Is it all a lie? What am I to him? Or am I being too selfish? Maybe this is all me. If I let him go now, he will be happy in the long run.
3 Years...a journey...I wish it was not like that.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
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