Someone who does not want to be found, will not let you find him no matter how hard you try

God yet another quarrel, a massive one where he threw his handphone on the floor and smashed it. And kicked the chair, and pushed my hands away. And said many many hurtful things and I am yet the one who is trying to pull him back. The whole day he was silent, never budging, never yielding.

God, I should call this to an end shouldnt i? BUt my heart is beating like it's hurting and my head hurts and I feel naueous. What's happening. Cant I do without him for a week? A day? A month? Forever?

If he can fume in anger for so long, never once thinking about me. Why do I still cling on? I am so fucking clingy. Please help me correct this.

What am I afraid of? That life will not be good without him? Is it more of a habit or do I really love him? BUt if I do really love him, then I would not have gone ahead yesterday would I? Or am I just possesive? I feel like I need to have him? Maybe that's why I am torturing myself. Because I cannot let go.

Why cant I let go? Because I like the idea of having a boyfriend? What's wrong with being alone? Elv is single. Jamie is single. jingsi is single. sansan is single. Liqi is single. whats wrong with it. Do I really have to jump in it?

Life was good before he came along as well? The way I could let go of teh previous stuff. I should be able to let go of this as well. As they say, someone who does not want to be found, will not be able to be found. You can do everything you can but nothing is unilateral. If it's just you, it will not work. He has to want to speak with me as well.

This time, I will not question why he said the things he did, I will not propose break up. I will leave it up to fate to god. Yes deep down I believe I have one. One who is looking over me and guiding me. God of mercy. And everything that happens happens for a reason. I might hate it now, but I will be grateful for it in the future.

To last, he needs to realise that he loves me. The day that he does not reaslise that, I can do everything within my power and I will still be deeply dissappointed.