So very insecure

So very insecure...and I'm crying my eyes out here. We have so little time to meet, and he seems so uncaring these days. Im not sure if I'm losing it. his love. Maybe I am just not on his priority list these days.

Actually I am just very insecure because he doesnt do any thing to shwo people that he is attached, is that a crime? No of course not but its just that i am insecure about it. He doesnt have our display pic on his facebook, he doesnt call me baby, dear on his facebook. He's like all secretive abt it. I duno. Im kinda losing it with him.

Today I saw him response positive to a butter factory event with his classmates and that just started everything, I cant stop crying. i feel so upset! The thought of him partying with other girls and being so nice to them just tears me apart inside. It's so stupid. But I feel so insecure, what do I have? Just his word that he loves me. Has he shown anything? No he hasnt at least not these days.

When Sam was sick, KL sent her flowers, for their first anniversary, he gave her a Ferragamo bag...and then yes its true that I get so little from him. I wait so much and hope so much and anticipate the good future with him, but it is true that now, I get no where. We scrimp and save just because he cannot afford it. I feel unloved. He hasnt initiated a i love u in ages. He has made absolutely no tangible committments just words. Words. What are words. They are free. No strings attached. He takes so long to reply to my smses. I duno, i feel so upset. and yet at the back of my mind, I know perhaps its just that i am too possesive. I should let him go. Let him go do what he wants. Because if it's me he loves, he will always come back. And I should trust him.

But that doesnt stop me from being utterly upset now. I wish someone could make me feel better right now and just stop me from crying.

Concern

I was just being concerned but you had to be so nasty about it. You may think that you did not shout or scold me, but i know better. I am afterall on the receiving end of it. If you find me so irritating, just call this off. I was just being concerned and so i asked you about it. You had to say I spoil your day. When you have nothing else to say, you just like to say that I am being hostile and combative......Everything you say makes sense but not me.

It HAS to be someone else's fault. If not you then me. I disagree. I thought you really loved me after everything but this week I seem to feel different. I'm not sure. I hate crying but this week, 2 days out of 7, I dropped a tear because of you. This should not be the case.

I hope you are enjoying whatever you are doing your self now. Just likw how you feel that my friends are always number 1 and that you are number 2, I feel that you have treated yiyun better than you treated me. I think you have an inferiority complex. Then maybe I have one too. I feel that I deserve better as well. But somehow at least for now, I dont feel it....That magic, that gentleness, does it still exist for you as well?

Does it?

Black vs White

I saw a friend's blog and then I cried. It was so full of her thoughts and longings, so much so that it made me think of mine. Of the relationships in my life.

Sometimes I think there is no such thing as black or white because. Because we are humans and this heart of ours sometimes makes us act in the strangest ways....I have so many questions but I know I am avoiding them. Shame on me.

I worry about his love, his emphasis, his committment. I know I am always no. 2. Happily ever after? With how many ppl please? Be positive I tell myself.

But then, you never really know what goes on beneth that exterior do you? How would you ever know?! Who can teach me that? I feel like a small girl all over again. i wish someone would tell me whats best for me. That step I should take. Love. Is love for life? Some sort I guess. How about mine? Can you tell me if he really loves me? Does he really love me as a person or for somthing more?

I suddenly feel very blessed and then I feel like I need to tell the people I love how much I love them. And then I wish they love me as much too.