overflowing with hurt

Now i know i have been shortchanging myself. So much. I am sitting here in SMU. and right in front of me. is a couple and the man is begging begging begging to be taken back by the girl. She says no i cant. But he begs. He says I am sorry and I will not do it again.......

Look at me. Look at you. Look at you. I treasure mine so much. BUt he cannot be bothered. He doesnt call me at all. After everything, even knowing I have a headache. Knowing I have my cramps this week. He doesnt care. God look at other couples. She says no and then he says please. Mine. I am like a dirt bag. He says I ll listen to you next time. I am so sorry.

Mine thinks I am always at fault. It's always me at fault, isnt it. Whats their quarrel about? Their quarrel is about how he is too friendly to other girls. For me if I kicked up a fuss. He will say I dont trust him. :\*wistful sigh* Why? because right from the start it was me, me who asked him , so whats to become of us now.

It's me who messages him, how's ur exams, how are you? I am always the reasonable one. The one who wouldnt do stupid things. The one who is always not good enough for him. I think I want to really give up now. Please make me numb. Make me numb to this sadness. I'm so tired. Why does he never makes me feel like he wants me back.

Why does he never makes me feel like he wants me back. Why? Why is it never his fault truly. Why does he never soothes, comfort and coax.

He made all those stuff for her last time. He wanted her back. He was proactive about it. Me? I can wait till the cows come home. And then why must i wait. Even if no one else loves me, I will love myself. He calls one time and then he hangs up. And then what I have to call him again? Im so tired. This is it blog.

Actually it's right. Some things, some people you fight so hard for. But when you get them, you cannot make them stay. I understand now. Thank you.

But of course I am sad, how not to be. I cared for this man for 4 years. It's not such a short time u know. I have all these memories with him. All these hopes and aspirations with him, whcih I hope we will acheive together.

The heart hurts. Is it true, is that why he is like this? Actually I dont matter enough to him thats why. I am just a gf. A gf can be found so easily. He broke up and a yr later he's attached. its not difficult at all. I loved him and then he loved me. This must be it. Must be why it's like that now today.

He doesnt think of anything just that i am vicious terrible. He's never worried for me. i mean i should have seen it. so early in our relationship, we quarreled about money, he talked about it nonchalently as i dropped tears about how strained the relationship was.

On his first birthday, he didnt lik ethe present i gave him, it was too cheap. It showed on his face.

On our first anniversary, there was no anniversary. nothing. coz he thinks its not worth it to celebrate anniversaries . BUt marriage anniversaries are different. he said.

When I told him he was being too friendly with basia, he became angry with me. He said i read too much. It was nt about him changing but me accusing him.

why must i be so cheap and hang around when ppl dont want me anymore........why must i make myself so unhappy with a man who does not love me. When she walked away, he felt sad. Me? When i walked away he was angry. he learnt smth to mkae for her, has he ever done that for me? the ans so far whcih i know is no. never. when i made him a sandwich and threw it away, the firstthing he got angry with me as well. he di dnot feel guilty, or sad, filled with regrets that i had to destroy smth i put so much effort in. but he was angry. he was angry with my actions, at how this means i do not treasure us. but ho about my efforts? am i not to be sadder?

Maybe i needed to do this, i neede to care for him or maybe he needed to care for me. maybe its now time to be independent and we have to move on. maybe its like that.

I'm just a convenience for him. He wanted to meet me today. why? coz he has a talk at gic. it will take up a whole afternoon anyway. and he lie dand saied its whole day. as if he's making such a huge effort for me. it's a lie.

i told him yesterday i dont feel well. he din even reponsed with a how are you? but " your attitude changed so fast". i dont want to be a gf of convenience. i give up . call me a quitter. i give up.

he gives. no mor eno less. as much as you re willing to give. it hurts so much. teach me how to manage this. please.

I wil take care of you

Hey gal. You cant wear your heart on your sleeves. What did I tell you? You tell someone I love you too much and then shit happens. Just keep it in your heart. Just keep that big mouth of yours shut. Why do you have to tell him you love him so much. Why do you have to tell him you care so much. You mean he cant see?

He's so busy. Just leave him alone. You think you can make him feel better? Who are you? Do you know what you mean to him? You dont. Dont assume you do. You only think you do but in actual fact YOU have absolutely no idea at all. No idea at all. How many times has he rejected you. Asked you to go. How many times have you just sat there like a fool. waiting and waiting for him. Crying. How many times? You stupid girl. How long do you want to continue doing this? How many times? For how long more girl? How long more?

Just let it go. Why are you grabbing onto him like there's no tomorrow. Sometimes only time can make people learn. One day he will find that you are not for him. You also already start seeing that he has nothing.

Are you going to stay together just because of the fear that you will both be destroyed if you dont? Are you really going to do that? Do you really think you both can be married happily ever after? You really think so?

You stupid girl. You are sitting here with tears in your eyes, pain in your heart, cramps in your tummy and yet your head, you're thinking where is he, what is he doing, is he doing well? And he? He must be fuming mad with you. Thinks you are a bitch. Not even replying to your smses and you are stil like this. Are you mad or what. Dont you ever learn? Dont you? When wil you learn. When will you really open your eyes and learn!?!! How much longer do you want to go through this!?

Why is it never you who have him feel like that about you. Why does he NEVER FEEL SORRY FOR YOU. WHY IS HE ALWAYS ANGRY. WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS THE SAD ONE? WHY? WHY? WHY?

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE ONE WHO LOVES HIM MORE. WHY DO I LOVE SOMEONE LIKE HIM SO MUCH. WHO IS HE TO ME? WHAT WAS HE TO ME? TELL ME.

Darling self, so many people love you. Why do you do this to yourself? Why? Do you think you are not worth it? Do you think after him, no one else will love you, care for you, treat you like their own flesh? Do you think like that? That's why you allow him to play with you like that? Is that why?

You have to be kind to yourself. Please be kind to yourself. Look at all these people who love you. You have to love yourself. love them. Stop this nonsense to yourself. He's fine without you. You will be fine without him. Leave him alone for a while. Let him do his own stuff. You do your own. You will be fine. I will be with you. You will be alright. I will take care of you. You will be alright. I will care for you and then one day the right man will come by and he will take care of you. And you of him. And he wil always make you happy. And when you make him angry, he will still care for you. Be by your side. You will be happy. Not like now. One day you will see. You deserve much more. But now, just do your own stuff. Care for yourself. Be healthy. Be happy. Be grateful. You are a wonderful girl. He will not understand. But you know. Love yourself properly darling girl. And one day real love will come to you.

I promise.

Marry me?

Today he asked me......if i am financially stable, will you marry me? he said that. Hearing his voice over the phone....my heart beat faster.....this feeling....

I paused for a long time.

He paused.

If I am financially stable, will you marry me?

I said I think I will.........he heaved a sigh of relief....

I felt like I was on cloud 9. It's almost as if he could see a future with me, almost as if he will always be there for me. Through good and bad. almost. I believed it and my heart almost burst with joy.

He msged me....you have to know your man is serious about you..... I thought this was it. almost. happy ever after.

But then we all know this couldnt be true. We had a small argument at night and this first thing he said was "not happy, hang up"

how could i be so stupid as to think this was all possible? not happy hang up? it's always like that isnt it. not happy, walk away, not happy, hang up. We can be so happy now but one day when something happens, he will turn his back and walk away....and i will be alone again.

the bubble burst and the tears fall. i thought we could be happy despite everything. I am so scared he will walk away like he always has.

Can you love someone too much for your own good?