overflowing with hurt

Now i know i have been shortchanging myself. So much. I am sitting here in SMU. and right in front of me. is a couple and the man is begging begging begging to be taken back by the girl. She says no i cant. But he begs. He says I am sorry and I will not do it again.......

Look at me. Look at you. Look at you. I treasure mine so much. BUt he cannot be bothered. He doesnt call me at all. After everything, even knowing I have a headache. Knowing I have my cramps this week. He doesnt care. God look at other couples. She says no and then he says please. Mine. I am like a dirt bag. He says I ll listen to you next time. I am so sorry.

Mine thinks I am always at fault. It's always me at fault, isnt it. Whats their quarrel about? Their quarrel is about how he is too friendly to other girls. For me if I kicked up a fuss. He will say I dont trust him. :\*wistful sigh* Why? because right from the start it was me, me who asked him , so whats to become of us now.

It's me who messages him, how's ur exams, how are you? I am always the reasonable one. The one who wouldnt do stupid things. The one who is always not good enough for him. I think I want to really give up now. Please make me numb. Make me numb to this sadness. I'm so tired. Why does he never makes me feel like he wants me back.

Why does he never makes me feel like he wants me back. Why? Why is it never his fault truly. Why does he never soothes, comfort and coax.

He made all those stuff for her last time. He wanted her back. He was proactive about it. Me? I can wait till the cows come home. And then why must i wait. Even if no one else loves me, I will love myself. He calls one time and then he hangs up. And then what I have to call him again? Im so tired. This is it blog.

Actually it's right. Some things, some people you fight so hard for. But when you get them, you cannot make them stay. I understand now. Thank you.

But of course I am sad, how not to be. I cared for this man for 4 years. It's not such a short time u know. I have all these memories with him. All these hopes and aspirations with him, whcih I hope we will acheive together.

The heart hurts. Is it true, is that why he is like this? Actually I dont matter enough to him thats why. I am just a gf. A gf can be found so easily. He broke up and a yr later he's attached. its not difficult at all. I loved him and then he loved me. This must be it. Must be why it's like that now today.

He doesnt think of anything just that i am vicious terrible. He's never worried for me. i mean i should have seen it. so early in our relationship, we quarreled about money, he talked about it nonchalently as i dropped tears about how strained the relationship was.

On his first birthday, he didnt lik ethe present i gave him, it was too cheap. It showed on his face.

On our first anniversary, there was no anniversary. nothing. coz he thinks its not worth it to celebrate anniversaries . BUt marriage anniversaries are different. he said.

When I told him he was being too friendly with basia, he became angry with me. He said i read too much. It was nt about him changing but me accusing him.

why must i be so cheap and hang around when ppl dont want me anymore........why must i make myself so unhappy with a man who does not love me. When she walked away, he felt sad. Me? When i walked away he was angry. he learnt smth to mkae for her, has he ever done that for me? the ans so far whcih i know is no. never. when i made him a sandwich and threw it away, the firstthing he got angry with me as well. he di dnot feel guilty, or sad, filled with regrets that i had to destroy smth i put so much effort in. but he was angry. he was angry with my actions, at how this means i do not treasure us. but ho about my efforts? am i not to be sadder?

Maybe i needed to do this, i neede to care for him or maybe he needed to care for me. maybe its now time to be independent and we have to move on. maybe its like that.

I'm just a convenience for him. He wanted to meet me today. why? coz he has a talk at gic. it will take up a whole afternoon anyway. and he lie dand saied its whole day. as if he's making such a huge effort for me. it's a lie.

i told him yesterday i dont feel well. he din even reponsed with a how are you? but " your attitude changed so fast". i dont want to be a gf of convenience. i give up . call me a quitter. i give up.

he gives. no mor eno less. as much as you re willing to give. it hurts so much. teach me how to manage this. please.